St Bede’s: To Be Or Nonce To Be.

I do like the word nonce, it means as you all know, a sexual pervert, an abuser of children.  It does seem to have come more into fashion of late, so much so, that I think nowadays that a nonce is the norm.  Us decent hetero- and homo- sexuals now seem to be in the minority.  I walk down the street, I sit at a football match, I stand in a public bar or anywhere there is a gathering of men-folk and I imagine there are nonces all round me.

How can you tell who is a nonce and who is not?  Well there are several good signs that are being bandied about in the press and if you are quick witted and alert you should be able to spot a nonce a mile off.  The fist sign is, is he wearing trousers?  Yes, well that knocks the skirt wearers out.  Jocks be proud, you are not tarnished yet.  Is he over 70?  Yes.  Can he tell a joke?  Yes.  Has he been honoured by the Queen on her Birthday or New Years honours list?  Yes.  Well step forward Jimmy Tarbuck, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris and all the rest of the senile old fogeys, the police are rounding up for the slaughter.

The Queen however can only honour so many nonces, there are too many out there to be honouring them all but there are other ways of attaining the Nonce Hall of Fame.  People go for power positions to lift them up the nonce tree, MPs, heredity titles, priesthood, prestigious business positions etc.  These jobs are available and well sought after.  As long as your emotional development has been stopped at about 12 years old, you are a dead ringer for noncedom.

A few years ago, I did a study of nonce priests in the Archdiocese of Dublin.  I picked Dublin because it was local and the information was easily available.  It was shortly after the publication of the Murphy Report into clerical abuse in November 2009.  Presuming the Dublin Archdiocese is typical of any group of priests world wide, I established mathematically and in my own mind at least that one in four Catholic priests were nonces.  As far as I can see my formula applies to Dublin, Rome and funnily enough, the Salford Diocese.  Anywhere in fact that you have four priests gathered together, one is bound to be a nonce.  Now at the school I went to in my youth there was a lot of priests knocking about, so there must have been a lot of nonces and that was proved recently in an MEN news article which talked about a forthcoming court case of noncedom where several names were mentioned.

If we take this particular school for want of ease more than anything else, we find that the board recently consisted of five priests and twelve lay people.  If we take the priests, one of them so the MEN have told us is facing allegations of noncedom, so we will forget about him.  That leaves four priests all over 70 and according to my mathematical formula, one of those must be a nonce and I have had e-mails fingering one of those four previously.  I will not mention his name as I am a delicate sort of chap and there is another arena for that type of disclosure.

So let us look at the nonce profile once again and see if it applies to the remaining 12 governors; trousers yes or at least eight of them, four of them wore skirts, jokers; yes, seekers of power; yes.  So a good bet would be that two of this eight would have been nonces.  So let us forget about nonces for a moment.

Let us look at the sleek Catholic and proud male; sleek Catholic and proud enough to want to make a difference to society.  To stand up in front of everybody at mass of a Sunday and tell everybody that you are sleek, Catholic and proud and that you are going to make a difference and not only that but you are, going to remain sleek, Catholic and proud against all the odds, against all the tribulations the world and what seems like the majority in noncedom can throw at you.

So there you had the dilemma recently of the majority of the board faced with the possibility of two nonce priests and two nonce lay governors on the board on which you serve.  You are sleek, Catholic and proud, so what do you do in the face of noncedom.  YOU RESIGN

7 thoughts on “St Bede’s: To Be Or Nonce To Be.

  1. An interesting piece Paul. So Tarbie has now claimed his place in the pantheon of nonce national treasures. Well, the pantheon is not yet complete. There are quite a few places vacant but with names clearly etched on the thrones.
    I know of a dearer treasure, more beloved than even Tarbs, who has been brought in for questioning recently. He fits your model exactly. He wears a trouser. He is very funny. He has the obligatory OBE. It is really disappointing as unlike Rolf and Jimmy and all the other seedy paedos, I actually liked this chap. Having said that, you know, I am not at all surprised.
    And I’ll tell you why I am not surprised. Because a couple of years ago I read about a couple of trouser-wearing blokes (incidentally, not decorated) who were bessie mates with this particular national treasure. And they had been both convicted of noncing and were at Her Majesty’s pleasure for the foreseeable. My suspicions were immediately raised about their friend who remained at large, presumably because of the decoration. “Well”, I thought. “At best he has a weird taste in friends. At worst, he is guilty by association.” That was two years ago and my worst conclusion has been confirmed. You won’t see it in the mainstream press for another few months yet.
    And then I look at Tarbie’s golfing buddies and I’m afraid the finger of suspicion falls on every single one of them too.
    And then I look at the board of governors of St. Bede’s, past and present…

    1. I’d love to know who this joker is, I have about 30,000 names flashing round my head. Please , oh please narrow it down.

  2. I am not one to indulge in tittle tattle. I prefer more refined pursuits. Poetry for example.
    “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
    Thou art more lovely and more temperate…”

    1. Even though your name is enticingly French, I would lay a bet you are part of the English Renaissance Movement with your poetry and knowledge of nonces, so one word of advice, give up your television, Chris Patten has said the BBC are in the position of aiders and abetters of these nonces so if you are a victim and half the world seems to be, he will get the BBC to give you adequate compensation. The licence fee will be going up to compensate these nonces, so contribute if you think fit.

  3. No matter the implied tone of this piece, surely you realise how insulting, derogatory and defamatory it sounds.

  4. When Mr Tarbuck is exonerated, I hope his lawyers turn their attention to what you’ve written about him here. I’ve kept a copy, in case they need a bit of help finding it.

  5. “Presuming the Dublin Archdiocese is typical of any group of priests world wide” – that is a serious presumption to make even with a sample size of 589 (the number of priests on the website of the Archdiocese of Dublin). The current number of Catholic Priests on the planet is about 400,000 – so your data is based on 0.147% of Catholic Priests. Without further information, not based in a particular geographical/geopolitical area you cannot make such an extrapolation. They may use similar %s for political polls but that is not the same as tarring all priests – the vast majority of whom are holy, hard-working men as the so-called ‘nonces’.

    And just in case you’re interested, in the case of Knupffer v London Express Newspaper Ltd [1944], the House of Lords decided that one can defame a group as long as the group is so small that a reference to it is understood as being a reference to all of its members. Viscount Simon gave the example of a group of 8 members. As you have pointed out, the number of governors has fallen to 7, so you might want to be careful in insinuating that they are hiding a paedophile in their ranks, let alone 4.

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