I do like the word nonce, it means as you all know, a sexual pervert, an abuser of children. It does seem to have come more into fashion of late, so much so, that I think nowadays that a nonce is the norm. Us decent hetero- and homo- sexuals now seem to be in the minority. I walk down the street, I sit at a football match, I stand in a public bar or anywhere there is a gathering of men-folk and I imagine there are nonces all round me.
How can you tell who is a nonce and who is not? Well there are several good signs that are being bandied about in the press and if you are quick witted and alert you should be able to spot a nonce a mile off. The fist sign is, is he wearing trousers? Yes, well that knocks the skirt wearers out. Jocks be proud, you are not tarnished yet. Is he over 70? Yes. Can he tell a joke? Yes. Has he been honoured by the Queen on her Birthday or New Years honours list? Yes. Well step forward Jimmy Tarbuck, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris and all the rest of the senile old fogeys, the police are rounding up for the slaughter.
The Queen however can only honour so many nonces, there are too many out there to be honouring them all but there are other ways of attaining the Nonce Hall of Fame. People go for power positions to lift them up the nonce tree, MPs, heredity titles, priesthood, prestigious business positions etc. These jobs are available and well sought after. As long as your emotional development has been stopped at about 12 years old, you are a dead ringer for noncedom.
A few years ago, I did a study of nonce priests in the Archdiocese of Dublin. I picked Dublin because it was local and the information was easily available. It was shortly after the publication of the Murphy Report into clerical abuse in November 2009. Presuming the Dublin Archdiocese is typical of any group of priests world wide, I established mathematically and in my own mind at least that one in four Catholic priests were nonces. As far as I can see my formula applies to Dublin, Rome and funnily enough, the Salford Diocese. Anywhere in fact that you have four priests gathered together, one is bound to be a nonce. Now at the school I went to in my youth there was a lot of priests knocking about, so there must have been a lot of nonces and that was proved recently in an MEN news article which talked about a forthcoming court case of noncedom where several names were mentioned.
If we take this particular school for want of ease more than anything else, we find that the board recently consisted of five priests and twelve lay people. If we take the priests, one of them so the MEN have told us is facing allegations of noncedom, so we will forget about him. That leaves four priests all over 70 and according to my mathematical formula, one of those must be a nonce and I have had e-mails fingering one of those four previously. I will not mention his name as I am a delicate sort of chap and there is another arena for that type of disclosure.
So let us look at the nonce profile once again and see if it applies to the remaining 12 governors; trousers yes or at least eight of them, four of them wore skirts, jokers; yes, seekers of power; yes. So a good bet would be that two of this eight would have been nonces. So let us forget about nonces for a moment.
Let us look at the sleek Catholic and proud male; sleek Catholic and proud enough to want to make a difference to society. To stand up in front of everybody at mass of a Sunday and tell everybody that you are sleek, Catholic and proud and that you are going to make a difference and not only that but you are, going to remain sleek, Catholic and proud against all the odds, against all the tribulations the world and what seems like the majority in noncedom can throw at you.
So there you had the dilemma recently of the majority of the board faced with the possibility of two nonce priests and two nonce lay governors on the board on which you serve. You are sleek, Catholic and proud, so what do you do in the face of noncedom. YOU RESIGN