For the last few months Liverpool Football Club have been playing under a cloud but their results during the past week gave their fans something to shout about. Their new German centre forward, Shitz, signed by El Benito in the January transfer window to give Torres a run for his money and picked to start in ten games during February and March never looked as though he was going to keep up the pace demanded in Premier League football. In the end even El Benito lost his patience and sent him packing.
I think the real reason that hastened his departure was the fact that the Liverpool back room staff, on checking his papers, found Schitz to be 91 years old. El Benito sure is a lucky man, as his youth team manager of many years, El Shanko, not happy with their previous German signing, Helmut Krutz, pleaded with his Major Domo to have a release clause put into Schitz’s contract. Thus as part of the contract it was agreed that if within the first 10 weeks of his Liverpool debut, the club, if not satisfied, could return the player to his Berlin Club, Beerdigung Friedhof, provided he was in the same state of health as in January and provided the Liverpool club would pay the travelling expenses of his two paramours. German forwards are noted for their ability to keep more than one woman happy and Schitz was if nothing else a sprightly man.
So at 10.00 am last Saturday morning, the two angels of delight, 44 year old Adeltrude Schunt and her coexecutor, 66 year old Zdenka Titzhoffer, bundled Schitz into a taxi outside Anfield Stadium. He was wrapped in his lovely new Zombie overcoat, a parting gift from the club and because of the brightness of the day they placed a pair of pink Ray Bans on his nose as much as anything to hide his deathly pallor, brought about by playing much of his career in air raid shelters.
After an uneventful journey to Speke Airport or JLA as the scousers prefer to call it and aided by the eulogies of the taxi driver, Tom Redize, who considered old Schitz to be livelier that morning than in his last game against Manchester United. He said to serried ranks of journalists afterwards, outside Canning Place Police Station, that watching him being pulled out of his taxi by his two molls and placed into his wheelchair that had been his home for the last two months, he looked so agile that he might have had another game left in him and El Benito might have been a shade premature.
Anyway with some little effort, Adeltrude Schuntz and Zdenka Titzhoffer wheeled the disorientated star to the EasiJet ticket office and demanded three tickets for the 12.00 noon flight to Berlin. The EasiJet staff reacted with such alacrity and economy of movement, that the normally morbid Schitz almost made a move to goad them into action. He restrained himself and the two women waved the odours of putrefaction away with their fans.
After a while the alert ticket office staff seeing the deathly flow of septic fluids emanating from our footballing hero and gathering in festering pools on the terrazzo floor, called the police, who on arrival, noted the smell and the rancid body, put two and two together and realizing something did not add up, took the three back to Canning Place Police Station. The police thought that Schitz might be dead even though his two crones said it was his wartime training of being able to lie doggo to confuse the enemy. A feat he had managed to pull off with great dignity against numerous Premier League defences during his up and down career with Liverpool FC.
The Liverpool police dazzled by this extended show of torpidity handed the problem over to Greater Manchester Police who they knew would be better able to handle the international consequences of this move by El Benito. The two hand maidens are now being held at Bootle Street Police Station in Manchester while detectives examine the wares of these two wily Delilahs.
The doctor brought in by the understrength Liverpool Police thinks that because of the advanced state of decay of the now supine athlete, he may have been dead for about four months, which means he was probably dead when he left Berlin and the case really lies within the jurisdiction of the German Police. El Benito is not sure, laying down the caveat that in the United game he threatened to bring him off at half time and that threat seemed to work as he very nearly touched the ball after a Vidic mis-kick.
The very latest news we have is that the women have been charged with pulling the wool over El Benito’s eyes. This is a particular nasty, evil, licentious sex game that is often played on the Iberian peninsula, where Merino sheep are plentiful and the quality of their long silken fleece is admired by many, but it is illegal in this country due to fine work by the NSPCA. However it is a game that El Benito has a distinct preference for when he is not coaching his beloved team.
One further piece of news is that Canning Place has been evacuated because of obnoxious odours and a freelance team of dockers are being persuaded to hand over some of their plunder from the French ship Fragrance that docked last week. More news as soon as we can get rid of this bloody smell.
This report is a fuller more accurate report of the incident referred to in The Liverpool Echo of 6th April 2010 which you can find here.