Marrying Up.

One of the finest things that the Irish language has over the English language is the ability to come up with a word that takes the English about twenty words to describe.  One such word is conán, or it was such a word spoken of in East Galway many years ago and it succinctly summed up a man’s motive in dealing with advantageous and deliberate action when partaking in one of the Holy Sacraments with a woman.  The English have a word Hypergamy but it applies to both men and women and does not have the same raw natural cunning implication as conán has and funnily enough the hypergamous protocols are observed by gay couples whereas there is not a tint of homosexuality in conán. It has become a serious topic of debate in America where 42% of well educated professional black woman are unable to find a compatible black mate and have to resort to a lower status marriage if wishing to bend to her natural instinct of motherhood.  They will not and therefore this massive pool of black, hopefully, virginity exists and why the black cunán has to use all the skills at his disposal when faced with this discrimination.

To help these hapless souls in their quest for hypergamy I list some of the famous men who have benefitted from this dubious ploy of being a cunán

Prince Francis Albert Augustus Charles Emmanuel of Saxe Coburg and Gotha (1819-1861)

A little known prince of a germanic duchy who married Queen Victoria in 1840, who bore him eight children.  Many a town, regiment and lake bear his name which of course would not except for his propitious betrothal to his first cousin, Victoria, when they were both 17.

Prince Philippos of Greece and Denmark (1921-Present)

Another impoverished european prince who caught the eye of the nubile Princess Elizabeth, heir to the English throne.  Dashing as he was in his naval uniform, he did not have a pot to piss in but served England well during the war and many a titled lady also.  He married the future queen in November 1947 after renouncing his Greek and Danish titles, being bestowed English nationality and adopting the surname Mountbatten.  He would probably have worked as a well paid gigolo except for his fortunate marriage.  Whereas he did participate many times in this tawdry pursuit after his marriage it has never been recorded that he ever asked for money for his endeavours.

William “Bill” Towey of Cloontia (1810-1870)

Born in 1810 in Cloontia, in the townland of Shanawalla, he started courting a recently widowed young woman, Mary Casey of Kilgariff East, who had a fine farm of land and the makings of a shop left to her by her recently departed husband at the crossroads in Kilgariff.  From that innocent and yet earnestly contrived courtship sprung a judicious coupling which resulted in a fine dynasty being formed, which found its way to the far corners of the earth with the male members excelling in the copper mines of Montana and the coal mines of England and the women bearing children galore to propagate the said dynasty.  William easily survived the famine due to his wife, Mary’s, strong constitution and vigourous work ethic. He lived the whole of his married life at the crossroads, neither bothering a soul or borrowing off anybody.

Tom “Bill” Towey of Cloontia and Cloonlarhen (1879-1945)

A grand son of the above who after an apprenticeship in the copper mines of Bute, Montana, came home and searched far afield from his native land of Kilgariff and found good pasture in Cloonlarhen in Rooskey about three miles from his home, where Ann Hunt, a tall lithe woman of 30 was farming 30 acres with her ailing father.  Tom took a labouring job with his widowed sister Mary Gallagher, who lived in the next house to the Hunts and set his cap at Ann, who for all her straitlaced unmarried ways succombed to Tom “Bill’s” charms and married him in 1911 and soon begat nine children in thirteen years, in spite of Tom “Bill’s” wanton need to earn money in Montana.  It is from the above two propitious unions did my wife Helen decend

Larry Fortensky of Stanton, California (1952-Present)

Larry Fortensky, a rough, tough and obviously well hung construction worker was hand picked out of some 100 million active American males, at 39 years of age, to be Elizabeth Taylor’s eighth husband.  Elizabeth at that time was almost 60 and at the prime of her sexual life and needed something hefty on which to cut her false teeth.  His divorce in 1996 prompted him to beat up his current girlfriend for which he was imprisoned and also caused him to nearly kill himself by falling down a spiral staircase a year later.  Larry became so famous after his marriage to Taylor that he had a poker hand named after him.  One with four tens in it.

Alex Reid of Aldershot (1975-Present)

An ex territorial army paratrooper and martial arts expert who was the 7th Celebrity Big Brother in January 2010 and promptly married the famous beautiful and much under-rated glamour model, Katy Price aka Jordan, on 2 February 2010 in Las Vegas.  Reid who considers himself to be trysexual and has ceased his cross dressing phase, has bigger pectoral muscles than his new spouse who has slowly built hers up over a number of years with help from a friend of her gynaecologist. After five days of this hypergamous marriage, he is suing for divorce after receiving instant fame following his unknown spell making pornographic movies.  He is worried sick that his new wife will involve him in publicity he does not want or crave for, because being a mother’s boy all he wants to do is go home and put his feet up.

Paul Malpas of Manchester and Boyle (1946-Present)

Born in a slum in Central Manchester of mixed race parents, plagued by low intelligence and shortage, even lack of mazuma and was on a treadmill of destruction by his early twenties, spending all his money on drink and cigarettes, then he remembered a girl he had befriended years ago at a garden party and resolved to train her into being his wife.  He surreptitiously met, courted and married this god-fearing, honest to goodness girl, Helen Towey, who at that time had the added distinction of being as pretty as a picture.  Helen was a virtual rose of high minded thoroughbred Irish parents who had settled  in pre-war Manchester and were well positioned to pull England out of its post-war melancholy.  Helen who had been snatched from the bog at Shashkin at a young age, still had the bright dew on her nose when Paul met her, who thinking it was snot offered her his sleeve.  Beguiled by such gentlemanly acts and dazzled by his silver tongue, Helen, to her delight was soon under his spell and his lazy demeanour tantalized Helen’s parents in their South Manchester mansion.  Helen was a woman of strong ideas and disregarding parental advice pulled Paul up by his bootstraps and set him on the road to fame and fortune.  As Sean Mannion , a man from Glenamaddy in Co. Galway and blessed with the wisdom of Solomon said, “yee’d still be in a room on Stockport Road if it was not for that girl” pointing at Helen.  It was plain that this was a hypergamous marriage of the highest order and he was pleased to be christened the Cunán of Longsight.

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