Paul Malpas

I apologise for my poor production over the last few days and it was not because the Church was pulling itself apart and generally making itself into the anathema it is desperately becoming, but because late last week I was co-opted on to the editorial panel for the 2010 edition of The New Ranger an annual magazine brought out by The Connaught Rangers Association of which I am a committee member.  The magazine is for the members of the Association and tells them of the various researches carried out over the year and any stories or tales of the regiment from times gone by.  So since last Thursday I have been in Gallipoli, Palestine, Northern France, Mesopotamia, Portugal, a graveyard in Galway and everywhere in fact that the Connaught Rangers fought in their 140 year history.  I went to all these places and I was hungry and thirsty and was wounded a few times and finally I was shot by a  German firing squad in the grounds of a chateau in Guise, 30 kilometres east of St. Quentin in northern France.  I am a very tactile editor and feel everything that these old soldiers felt.  I am close to the completion of my odyssey and I have enjoyed every minute of the experience.  Surely it is better to think of the sacrifices these men made so that we could live than think of the poor sacramental victims of this unholy abuse that as been thrust into our faces by these evil men we call cardinals, bishops, monsignors and priests.

How can these so called men of god keep trying to defend the indefenceable.  We are all fairly well educated and can understand right from wrong.  We have all got consciences but some of the statements coming out of the Church are an abomination.  I am no longer getting into a frazzle about these religious idiots who have regulated my life for so long.  The main thrust of my feeling is now against the state and its various departments, who have so far not even broke sweat as this torrent of filth is poured on us.  They have got to act and act quickly.  What are they scared of?  The only politicians so far to say anything worthwhile are the Labour Party and unfortunately they wield as much power as a paper bag blowing in the wind.  But you never know an election is not far away and the minds of the people are being exercised by this terrible controversy, if they can only keep up the pressure, we can let the gangsters out of prison and fill the empty cells with clerics.  Having the gangsters running around in our midst again cannot be any worse than these slimy men of the cloth unzippingtheir blessed phalli and telling every kid under twelve to pull it.

In that hail of vituperance I say goodnight and hope that I am in better mood tomorrow.

Last night I witnessed the most inept, senile and out of touch display of accountability by the bishops of Ireland that has ever been known, when they set up the three stooges, McAreavey of Dromore, Brennan of Ferns and the holier and more stupid than thou, our own Jones of Elphin.

Although this press conference was expected and in fact Brady of Armagh said he would attend and it was expected Archbishop Martin would also be present, two hours notice of time and location was given to the media and the conference was limited to 25 minutes duration while these three bishops gave their much vaunted master class in obscurity, idiocy and sheer lunacy.

You would think that the bishops knowing the seriousness of the situation and that a public relations class was necessary, would have brought out their big guns to fend off the barbs of the media, but obviously Brady does not want to become involved and Archbishop Martin has been told to back-pedal.  The difference in that man pre-Rome and Post-Rome is a subject in itself.  It is as though they are two different men, the go-getting Martin knowing God was on his side pre-Rome, has been replaced by this stultified, nervous and certainly very uncomfortable post-Rome Martin, who finds it difficult to put more than two words together in answer to questions on the subject of abuse.  On Newsnight on BBC2 on Tuesday, he was at his lowest and no match at all for the strident Jeremy Paxman when talking about the serial abusing yet unpunished Bill Carney.  My advice, for what it is worth in matters as important as this is to stand up and be counted,  do not hide behind authority and at the end of the day give authority as the excuse for wrongdoing, like Hitler’s minions did after the war was lost.  Be totally accountable at all times to everybody.  Feck the rules because the rules are wrong and evil.  I feel really sorry for him having to take the path he has and being reined in and letting the likes of Drennan of Galway and the retired O’Mahoney have their evil way and say.

Which reminds me that Drennan of Galway who was classed as the complete scholar and holy man by Jones of Elphin at the press conference yesterday, has told his priests to send a couple of representatives from each parish in the diocese to a service of reparation in the Cathedral on Palm Sunday where these elected ones would place a sprig of palm on the altar to express penitence for the cover up by the bishops of these paedophilic priests.  The poor people of Galway, what has it to do with them?  Why should they express penitance?  Why are the bishops not standing on their heads and shouting “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa”.  Jones’s statement about Drennan reminds me of something a mate of mine said this morning whilst we were talking on this subject,  Michael Cryan, citizen of Boyle and always good for a quote said “If you are there  at the bottom of the shit heap even a hump on your back is a thing of beauty”

So there we were with these three monkeys from Dromore, Ferns and I am ashamed to say Elphin, with Dromore spluttering and farting like a demented pig, Ferns doing a good impression of a man sucking a lemon and Elphin asking why is everybody singling out the Church when it is a well known fact that most child abuse takes place in the home and has done for hundreds of years and nobody condemns that, but just because the Church has transgressed and covered up, the world is on its back.  What a load of bunkum, if this is what they say publicly what must their private thoughts and conversations be like.  Why should we accept lunacy of this nature from a shepherd of Christ.

It was Jones of Elphin who said in his pastoral letter after the Murphy Report that the Diocese of Elphin abides by best practice when dealing with possible child abuse and the laity have nothing to fear.  Well I fear him.  Where is best practice in that statement of his yesterday.

Watching this simian trio at the press conference made me think that the Church is missing a trick, professional PR men or women would do a far better job at wooing the people back, but perhaps the Church realises it has put its finger too far into the fire and that self immolation is the only way out.  It is  well known  among all the dead religions as the Phoenix Theory.  It never works.  All we can do is sit back as Sinead O’Connor said to me last Saturday “Good will win in the end.  We just relax and enjoy watching it all unfold”.

It is remarkable to see how far removed from reality are some of the bishops, when they are considering asking their parishioners to collect so much a year to help pay the legal costs and reparations brought about by priestly sexual abuse.

But at least Brennan of Ferns and Walsh of Killaloe are putting their abstract ideas on the table, whilst all the rest of the diocese are pooh-poohing the idea and the Dublin Diocese spokeswoman saying that “We have not had to take any money from the baskets”.  Who does she think she is kidding.  All the wealth that the dioceses and parishes of this country have,  has been given by the people of this country in either basket or tax form.

Various diocesan spokesmen have also said that they cannot interfere with the assets of the parishes, as that wealth belongs to the parishes and not the dioceses, is another load of crap.  I remember in my parish in Manchester, St. Robert’s, Longsight, the parishioners were fund raising for 25 years for a new church and with the help of the wave of Irish families flooding into the parish in the 1950s and60s, a new church was eventually built in 1968, and a beautiful church it was, more or less on the lines of St Joseph’s here in Boyle.  35 years later because of the massive movement in population, the church was no longer necessary as Longsight had become a Muslim area and it was sold off to that faith as a mosque.  No harm in that as these religious buildings have been swapped about for 2000 years but what I do know is that the money accruing from that sale was not distributed amongst the parishioners but went straight into diocesan coffers.

So please realise, you bishops and bishops spokesmen and women, we are not as daft as we were.  You have spent your whole lives educating us so expect some reward for your efforts

My view is that if the diocese does not have the readies, go to Rome, they have plenty.  This business of separating the Catholic Church up into so many limited companies is just an accountants piece of trickery.  The abusing priests were agents of Rome, they had not been taken on for a few days temporary work in the parish.  Let Rome pay.  If a local bank lends a million to some builder to develope some land and then goes wallop in the process, it is not the local bank who covers the loan, it is the builder’s assets or the bank’s head office that has to pay.

So start with the assets of the abusing priests, for they are criminals and when they are bled dry, head office in Rome needs to take up the slack.

So all you bishops and bishops spokesmen and women, just remember who you are speaking to.  We have enough crap, we have had it for years.  We do not want religious emotional soundbites, we just want you lot to stand up to your responsibilities and be accountable and properly accountable.  Start by flogging the palace at Glasnevin where Desmond O’Connell is in residence.  He tended the garden of abuse in Dublin and seems to have got off scot-free so far and as he is a good friend of the Pope, I am sure he will get a room somewhere.

The newspapers made great reading this morning as various long-running stories progressed towards some sort of conclusion.

The Eamonn Lillis murder trial is slowly winding its way to a guilty verdict.  It seems he is now saying “fair cop, guv” after initially telling the Guarda that an intruder murdered his wife.  I am always surprised by the husbands of Ireland, the list is long, who think they can get away with killing their nearest and dearest.  There seems to be three or four of these trials every year.  If you cannot stand the one you married, walk away and find another.  There are suckers on every corner.  Do not not kill the old one and pretend it was someone else.  Come to think of it, these guys in the main had found another but did not know how to trade in the old model.

The bishops of Ireland met behind closed doors in Maynooth yesterday as a preliminary to the Pope’s summons to Rome on 15/16 February.  I presume this meeting was to get their story right and to coin a phrase, to make sure everyone was singing off the same hymn sheet, especially important when there are loose guns like Drennan of Galway hanging around.  What surprised me and with matters of obvious great import to discuss, only 18 of the 33 available bishops turned up, whatever happened to the other 45%.  Were they too ashamed or did they not want to mix with the guilty.  Drennan of Galway was there again throwing his dummy out of his pram and not speaking to anybody.  He has to go before he embarrasses even me.  The words best practice were aired again.  They were used a few weeks ago by Jones of Elphin, our local boy, who, in the wake of the Murphy report, said that Elphin Diocese was not guilty and that Elphin aspires to best practice in all matters.  Words he may live to regret.  When you start to think about it, when a child is being abused, what constitutes best practice.

And while we are considering holiness I notice that Maeliosa O’Hauallachain, he of the unpronouncibles and a Catholic priest to boot, has been excused by the judge because a consultant psychiatrist died last year.  He had treated the young girl claiming abuse by the priest about 15 years previously.  There were two other shrinks still living who had treated her initial breakdown but they were not available.  It all stinks and the poor woman might now go off and have another breakdown and make herself unavailable also.  A nice case of dust and carpet.

To escape religion and to concentrate on Spring, as it is only just round the corner and all you ladies will be dusting off last years gladrags to save buying new in this second year of austerity.  I feel for the poor woman on Tyneside, Mrs. Cartwright, who could not help making a loud noise everytime she had sex with her legally contracted spouse.  She received an eight week prison sentence, suspended for 12 months, from an obviously jealous judge.  When you sign your name on the register and you are given your licence to partake in these matters there is no mention of decibel outage or there was not with me all those years ago.  Perhaps then they had no measuring device to say what  was what.  It seems these romantic yells started around midnight and lasted for two to three hours every night of the week.  Even the postman complained so they might have lasted even longer.  Either that or the postman was starting work four hours early hoping he could get something off the menu.  All I can think of is what a lucky bugger Mr. Cartwright must be.  All power to his elbow or whatever part of his anatomy he uses to elicit this romantic rowdedowdow.

The last gem to be gleaned is that Mr. Gallagher and his trusty water main men are not the only gang who do not like digging deep.  It seems that the builders of Ireland “have driven a coach and horses through the Building Regulations and a Kildare County Council spokesman says it is the householders responsibility to dig up and drop the level of their incoming water services when they freeze up as many did in this last cold spell.  They should be 750mm deep instead of the shallow depth that most have been put in at.  I am not sure of that statement by KCC because in our case it was a breach of Planning Conditions and I would consider the builder culpable.  It is certainly nice to know that this particular aspect of the Irish psyche, that of doing your neighbour as often as possible is not just peculiar to North Roscommon.