Paul Malpas

Fresh from my day out in Dublin, I come renewed to take up the cudgel of the common man and reverse its orbit so that it hopefully strikes where it hurts on the bloated,  bullying bodies of`the plutocratic governmental organizations.

As you probably read in two of my previous blogs Hoping and Praying of 13 December 2009 and No Posts Today of 13 January 2010, I have a beef with somebody or more like it, they have a beef with me.  I thought it was with that estimable company eFlow who collect tolls from motorists on the M50 motorway, but it seems that when their bullying does not produce results, they pass the can over to the Road Transport Authority (RTA) who are the real culprits in this matter. eFlow are not a bad old crowd, it just happens that having to withstand the goading and prodding of their masters, the RTA, they have turned into snarling feral beasts in order to maintain the various contracts they have with their lord and master.

Anyway, now the RTA have full control of the dispute and  I expect it to be scaled up to red alert status, they have set the dogs of war on my tail in the admirable form of Pierse & Fitzgibbon, Solicitors, of Main Street, Listowel, Co. Kerry.  No doubt because one of their founding fathers was the son of a monkey.  They of course bring to the table all the baggage Listowel justice personifies.  In one paragraph they threatened  with a Judgement against me in the High Court and worse, my name being published in that spanish inquisition of a newspaper, Stubbs Gazette.  I do not know what prompted them with this double whammy but I presume it is because I am innocent of all charges.  If they are nervous of getting the guilty verdict in the High Court, they have settled for a full broadside hoping something will stick.

So in fear of my life and worried about how this fracas was affecting my wife’s health, who is frail enough at the best of times, I wrote back to the affiliates of the sons of monkeys in a very placatory fashion.  In fact after the letter had been posted and having re-read the same to the Listowel Lambasters, I was regretful of its wheedling tone.  I produce it here to show you how the relentless, persistent and overbearing nature of government agencies can weaken even the strongest resolve.

Messrs Pierse & Fitzgibbon
Market Street
Listowel
Co. Kerry

Dear Sir/Madam,
Toll Violation Notice No. U11-0836-5756
My Licence Plate   01RN2874

Thank you for your kind missive of 12 January 2010 or should we refer to it as the TVN.  Can I say from the outset that I am innocent.  I paid my €3 on 20 October 2009.  I have a bank statement to prove it.

I note from your TVN that Messrs eFlow have washed their hands of this matter and passed the burden of their errors on to the National Roads Authority, who it seems are your clients.

Having decided to take this TVN extremely seriously as you suggest, I would like to list chronologically the events and papers that I will bring to the High Court on whatever date you suggest.  Copies of all the following will have been passed on to you by Messrs eFlow, so there will be no need for me to include them with this letter.
1.  eFlow UTN No 1 of 25 October 2009
2.  Record of my telephone call to eFlow call centre on 27 October 2009
3.  Copy of my e-mail through eFlow web message function on 27 October 2009.
4.  Bank of Ireland statement of 3 November 2009 listing €3 payment to eFlow.
5.  eFlow UTN No 2 of  3 November 2009
6.  My registered letter to eFlow of 12 November 2009.
7.  eFlow letter to me of 20 November 2009
8.  My letter to eFlow of 25 November 2009.
9.  eFlow letter to me of 1 December 2009 in which eFlow state that “We acknowledge that you made a payment”

Might I also bring to your attention my blogging vehicle www.paulmalpas.com and in particular two blogs.  The first published on 13 December 2009 and titled Hoping and Praying and the second published on 14 January 2010 and titled No Posts Today.  Could I also remind you that the original charge was for €3 which I paid immediately and this rigmarole which we both find ourselves on is a ridiculous and unnecessary procedure, which should be stopped forthwith.  Just as costs on your side must be building up to ridiculous proportions, mine also on your receipt of this letter will have amounted to €350.  Let us stop this nonsense and call it a day and go for eFlow who seem to have a litany of undeclared assets that they are not being passed on to our esteemed National Roads Authority, notably my €3.  If Mr Lenihan knew the reason he cannot balance his books is because of eFlow’s non-performance, he would definitely be on the warpath.  Please keep in mind the original €3.

Notwithstanding all of the above and I know that in this third world, totalitarian, police state in which we live, my pleas of innocence will go unheeded and the mantra of the Fianna Fail party of ” Bang the Buggers up” will prevail.   I ask you to make my journey through the penitential system as easy as possible.  I am a pensioner.   I have not worked for five years and my wife is of a similar age and situation, having worn herself out looking after our large family of six children for this last 37 years.  Castlerea would be my slammer of choice as it is suitably situated for all my friends in Boyle to visit.

In the meantime I look forward to my day in court with you, my faceless and nameless adversary.  Does it not fill your time with joy after all your years studying jurisprudence and tort, to be stuck behind some computer screen chasing shadows.  Get out now and get out quickly before you become a moron or am I too late.

Your obedient and hopefully loyal citizen,

Paul Malpas

P.s.  It was a nice try threatening me with Mr Stubbs’s rag, but he is a cousin of mine and he would never have a bad word said against me.

By the way and if it has not been said time and again, my original charge for going through the toll was €3 which I paid immediately.  It is now €152 and rising.  Is there any legal brain out there who can tell me, because of my innocence in this matter, how I can force on these people my costs, which run to €350 at the moment.  It does seem to me that unless I employ some bigwig whose fees and resultant costs will be extortionate, I cannot reclaim my costs for fighting this libellous slur on my good name.  The whole shebang adds full credence to Shakespeare’s line in Lear of  “madmen leading the blind”.

I will keep you informed as to my future progress in this ruction as I cannot be the only one eFlow, the RTA, Fianna Fail and Pierse & Fitzgibbon have lined up.  The harrowing detail of my crucifixion might just help someone in a moment of weakness when they are considering paying twice to drive between Blanchardstown and Collinstown